What to do with Transactional Friends?

Dear Classical Wisdom Reader,

We all know at least one person like this. You see their name pop up on your phone or in your inbox, and your first thought is:

What do they want?

It’s someone who seems to appear out of the woodwork only when they need something. Previous messages have gone unanswered, and then, suddenly, they send a text, entirely out of the blue, without so much as a “How are you?” before getting to the request.

It’s the friend who only writes when they are wanting.

Perhaps the word friend is generous. After all, what kind of companion is so... transactional?

Well, according to Aristotle, there are many types of “friends,” including this very kind. With his characteristic nuance and sophistication, the peripatetic philosopher distinguishes between three relationships in Book VIII of his famed Nicomachean Ethics.

1. The Virtuous Friendship (τελεία φιλία — teleia philia)

At the highest level is what Aristotle calls the “Virtuous Friendship.” It is the rare relationship based on mutual respect and admiration, rooted in the goodness of each person’s character. This is the sort of friendship that endures, because it is founded not on utility or pleasure, but on genuine virtue.

In the words of the great man:

“Perfect friendship is the friendship of men who are good, and alike in virtue; for these wish well alike to each other qua good.” (Eth. Nic. VIII.3, 1156b6–7)

This is the friend you want to call first when you achieve great success...knowing they will celebrate your joy without envy or spite. And when the chips are down, this is the person you can count on to stand by you through every hardship. It’s the lifelong companion who truly knows you and yet still loves you.

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1. The Friendship of Pleasure (φιλία τοῦ ἡδέος — philia tou hêdeos)

Next comes the “Friendship of Pleasure.” This arises when two people simply enjoy each other’s company...sharing laughter, conversation, and delight in one another’s wit, charm, or beauty. These are the companions of the party, the pub night, the afternoon picnic, or the games evening.

Such friendships are admittedly delightful while they last, but they endure only as long as the pleasure does. When the laughter fades and the novelty wears off, the bond often drifts away too. You won’t find them when the keg runs dry...

1. The Friendship of Utility (φιλία τοῦ χρήσιμου — philia tou chresimou)

Finally, we return to where we began: the “Friendship of Utility.”

This is the relationship based on mutual advantage, where each person values the other not for who they are, but for what they can provide. It is perfectly legitimate when both parties understand the arrangement: business partners, political allies, or acquaintances who cooperate for mutual gain.

The difficulty arises when expectations diverge, when one person mistakes a utilitarian bond for a deeper connection, or when the benefits become one-sided. That’s when the friendship begins to feel hollow... when you realize they only call when they need something, and disappear once you’ve served your purpose.

As Aristotle observes:

“Those who love each other for utility love not in themselves but in so far as some good comes to them from one another.” (Eth. Nic. VIII.3, 1156a14–16)

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Who are your friends?

At this point, you’re probably thinking of your own circle...those who fit neatly into Aristotle’s categories. It’s a valuable exercise.

Just as an artist must discern the subtle shades between cyan, sky blue, and azure to paint with precision, we too can learn to distinguish the hues of our friendships. Doing so helps us navigate our relationships honestly and skillfully, appreciating each type for what it is without expecting it to be something more.

Indeed, this is one of the most beautiful aspects of ancient philosophy...its practical wisdom. After all, we all have friends! And we are all friends to someone else! To pause and reflect on how we relate, both well and poorly, is more than a very real, impactful moment of contemplation: It is an act of living philosophy.

So What Should We Do with Transactional Friends?

That brings us back to our “transactional friend”...the one we all have, or perhaps have been ourselves.

When that inevitable message arrives, do we simply accept the nature of the exchange? Do we try to elevate the relationship into something more meaningful? Or do we, at times, recognize our own tendency toward the same kind of self-interested behavior?

And beyond any single instance, we might ask: Is this a kind of friendship we wish to cultivate...or one we should quietly let go?

Let me know your thoughts below.

All the best,
Anya Leonard
Founder and Director
Classical Wisdom

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